Brains

BRAINS!!!

Dignity

Such a precious commodity. And the kind you don't miss until it's gone. Everything's going fine and then- WHAM! Christmas sweater!

And the damage is done... What can you do afterward... except maybe piss on the carpet? Yeah, that'll do. [This works in just about any dignity robbing situation, by the way - trust me on this.]

Hard News Coverage

You know what reaffirms my faith in humanity: the fact that all of the networks, news outlets, magazines, radio stations and blogs have steered clear of the tawdry, sensational story of Tiger Woods and his mistresses. You may not have heard, because it kind of flew under the radar, but he's apparently been caught cheating on his wife.
I, for one, am glad this story didn't get the kind of attention you might think, not because I empathize with Tiger (because I don't), and not because I don't find these types of stories juicy (because I do), but because I am sure that the problems that face America, nay the world, are far bigger and merit far more attention than some golfer 'sinking some putts' on... not his wife (the metaphor kind of fell apart on me).
It's almost like the media (or whoever owns them) would want to distract us from 30,000 troops going to Afghanistan or the debates in Congress over healthcare... I'm surprised they resisted the temptation, but I guess you can't give them too much credit - it's not like we (America and the world) as an audience would fall for those tricks anyway...
Anyway, I would love to preach more, and woo you with further sarcasm, but I have to go - CNN just reported Tiger had relations with a baby walrus while he was at the zoo. Details?!?

Outliers

This is the first book I have read of Malcolm Gladwell's, but I found it very interesting and an enjoyable read. Apart from the part where he writes about plane crashes. Because I happened to be on a plane at the time. When I got to that part. So it was a little unnerving. But otherwise very good. A tip: enjoy it on the ground.

The Rhythm of the Night

The best thing about DeBarge is that they are still relevant today. You can hear echoes of their sound in U2 and Michael Buble, and their look is definitely holding on thanks to Tyra Banks and Borat (including the pencil-thin mustaches). This song completes me.

Andrew W.K.

This guy is bat-$hit crazy, but it's definitely working for him. I am one of the few connoisseurs out there who truly appreciate the musical theory and composition of his songs "Party Hard" or "She Is Beautiful," and yet enjoy the brainless lyrics and their "constipated old man" delivery.

If you are not familiar with his work, check out "Party Hard" or "She Is Beautiful," not because they're his best work, but because those are the only ones I know. Watch the videos. Then watch this:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120758328&ps=bb1

If you can make it past the first 12.5 minutes of unaccompanied piano improv (which is pretty good and yet mind-numbing enough that I skipped through parts of it), you will be rewarded with a spectacularly Johnny-Cash-esque version of "I Get Wet" (it's like you think), and then a pretty guttural, riveting cover of "The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress." All told, this guy is a study in contrasts, and my favorite musician with two initials for a last name.

Brakes

I can't recommend these things enough. They're definitely catching on, but maybe you don't have some yet. Go get them now - you'll thank me. Or just keep smashing into stuff... Either way.

Ari Hest

Ari Hest is a singer-songwriter from... well, I don't know where he's from. But I like his music. And that's what counts.

His voice is probably his calling card, with a gravely baritone that rivals Bruce Springsteen, and perhaps even does him one better on a cover of I'm On Fire. More than his voice though, he writes excellent music. He transitions from playing with and without a band seamlessly, and his songs always sound different from each other (no small feat for an emerging artist).

One of his first releases, an uptempo They're Onto Me, is still one of my favorites, but he has since released When And If, a moving ballad about a soldier away from home, and Ride the Brake, a trip across America in song. So Slow is also one of my favorites, although I could not tell you what the lyrics mean (though they certainly sound like they have some meaning)... I don't know how this guy has escaped a national spotlight thus far, and it is with a heavy heart that I shine my own on him now, as we both know the kind of influence I have across the country. But as much as I would like to keep his music all to myself, I believe sharing is a mitzvah. Enjoy...

http://www.arihest.com/home/home.html

Planet Money

Planet Money is both a blog, a radio segment, and a podcast on National Public Radio (and its associated website/media). They aim to take incredibly complex things like Collateralized Debt Obligations and health insurance legislation and try to explain and present them in a fair, balanced and easy-to-understand fashion.

I highly recommend giving them a listen/read. When you consider that every piece of information you receive has a heavy bias attached to it, these people do their best to minimize that leverage, and cut the strings on what they provide. It is content that is refreshing, informative, and perspective-changing.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/

Introspection

Sometime, I just like to stop and ponder my existence. I wonder about history and the world and where I fit in... The universe is really big.

Ripping the Eyes Out of Heads and Pissing in Dead Sculls

Truly a gem of a line, in a movie filled with sparkling lines (A Few Good Men). As a general rule, I would not recommend f*cking with the wrong Marine, as this is the sort of thing that goes hand in hand with that sort of thing. Just an FYI. Good day. 

Attractive People

I know what you're thinking... Attractive people are a pox on society. Attractive people need to be spayed/neutered in order to control the population. Attractive people are the reason we have high taxes and poor health care across the nation. And to some extent, I agree with you.

But attractive people can also be used to drive a bus or pick up your trash. They tend to be flexible, so they make good chimney sweeps and prostitutes. They are excellent at getting out stains (you just have to rub them on the garment fairly hard) or holding up artwork.

I think American society's main problem with attractive people is just that they're not used properly. We tend to rely on them for philosophical advice, international outreach, baby adoption services, and sometimes state governance. I think we just need to apply them better, and everyone would be better off. So next time some attractive person walks through a door you hold for them, and rather than say thank you, they act like it is your job, just trip them and use them to get the stains out of rug! See? Win-win for everybody!

Pumpkin Beer

Psst. I'll let you in on a little secret: Pocahontas was an alcoholic. She met John Smith out at a bar in Plymouth, and he took her home. This was no great feat, however, because as usual, she was banged up on Pumpkin Beer. Three weeks later, when her period came - that was the first Thanksgiving.

But who could blame her? (about the beer, not about John Smith - he looked like a hockey puck with legs) Pumpkin beer is delicious! If it were socially acceptable, I would drink it during sporting events like Gatorade. I would dip bread in it to make Better-Than-French Toast (or French-Canadian Toast, as it is more commonly known). I would make it into frozen cubes to put in all my other beverages... except for milk. That would be crossing the line.

But anyway, it's good. Surprising so, for those of us who generally avoid beers infused with fruit, vegetable, and/or meat. If I were you, I would drink it. And if I were you and you were underage, I would stick a straw into a pumpkin, suck hard, and pretend as if whatever came through the straw also made you happy and fun.

Walter Sobchak

Never has a converted Jew, Vietnam-vet bowler captured America's imagination like Walter Sobchak. Co-star of the 1998 Coen brothers film The Big Lebowski, Walter (John Goodman) taught us so much. He taught us:
1) Never f*ck a stranger in the @$$.
2) You can pretty much get a toe anywhere at any time.
3) You cannot roll on Shabbat.
4) You cannot stand for unchecked aggression.
5) "China man" is not the preferred nomenclature for a man from China (or any Asian man for that matter).
6) If you f*ck a stranger in the @$$, bad things happen.

Where have you gone, Walter Sobchak? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

*Brought to you by the Committee for Walter Sobchak for President. 

Spanx

How could you not be a fan of false advertising? How can you not get behind moist heat and those marks you get from elastic materials when it's too tight and you wear it too long? What's not to love about mashed vag and lycra?

I for one am a big fan of these things. Sure, men feel cheated and as if they're dating a senior citizen, with all of the associated undergarments, but so what! Now every woman can wear silk! Yippee!

Fancy Suits

See if you can guess which one of these guys is an international icon and husband of the world's richest supermodel (as of 2007).

This seems like a perfect occasion for some Mountain Dew PJ's - maybe I will invest in a pair and send them Brady's way as a subtle gift/hint.

Mountain Dew Pajamas

Caron Butler of the Washington Wizards just kicked his Mountain Dew addiction, which included consuming at least (6) 12-ounce bottles of Dew daily. His withdrawal apparently included night sweats - here's hoping he didn't ruin his PJ's.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/More-on-Caron-Butler-s-extreme-Mountain-Dew-addi?urn=nba,198240

Cesar Millan

The best thing Oprah has ever foisted upon the world. In contrast to Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Octopus, Cesar Millan is a positive force in the world, and I believe, a genuine person. Which is unbelieveable.

On second thought, I'm not sure if Oprah helped launch his career, but I'm going to proceed as though she did. And so what if I'm wrong - It's not like Oprah has the power to reach out and smite m-  

Ooch.

Anyway, he sits and truly listens to people who you or I would kick in the crotch. He helps them. He gets bitten. He is funny and engaging and earnest, even after all these years (he has been on the air since 2002).

What an amazing personality, to be able to connect with people of all types in minutes. And to keep from being jaded in such a industry (TV) and area (Los Angeles).

PS. I have no idea if Cesar is a nice guy or not - for all I know, he could be a drug dealer/rapist/child television star/birthday party clown, but he seems nice on TV. And that's what matters.

The Count of Monte Cristo

One of my favorite books of all time. It is truly epic. The narrative spans almost an entire lifetime. Every aspect of the plot is connected.

Plus it includes a prison break and buried treasure.

The 2002 movie of the same name was a disappointment, and I've been told not all translations of the book are equal (I've read and enjoy the Bantam edition translated and abridged by Lowell Blair).

The only thing missing is ninjas. Still, pretty awesome book even sans ninjas.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Hands down, the funniest show on television right now. This show is so good, I actually care what day and time it comes on. I do! I had to look it up, and it took me a while. But now it safely records on my TV box thing, and although I think it airs sometime Friday morning around 6:00, I generally find a new episode waiting for me around midday on Sunday. And oh, how I laugh!

What's that? You say it's on Thursdays at 10? On FX? It's right on the picture I posted?

Well. I'm embarrassed. Color me... embarrassed. Moving on...

This show was my "favorite show I had never seen" for a long time, until I actually saw it, and then it became one of my "favorite shows I had seen." [By "favorite show I had never seen," I mean that every time I saw 5 minutes in passing, I laughed out loud. By "favorite show I had seen," I mean I like this show.]

The first episode I saw in its entirety was the first show of season four. It happened to be on my cable company's On Demand offerings, and it was about cannibalism, racism, and eating monkey meat. I was sold. The final show of the fourth season featured a musical with pedophilia, a troll, and perhaps a tasteful rape scene. My favorite show from this, season five, involves a pee jar. I feel as though this should be enough to convince you to watch. Go now.

Leslie and the LY's

Leslie Hall, leader of the hip-hop trio, "Leslie and the LY's." Her gold pants are tight, both literally and figuratively. Her gem sweaters are only topped by her beats, and her sweaters are treee-mendous.

Good music - unless you hate awesome stuff, or love zombies. 

http://www.myspace.com/lesliehall

Justice

Justice: I know it's been under fire lately, but I for one am a huge fan. You may disagree but I ask you: Who else is going to send the illegal aliens in America back home to Sweden? Lady Justice never sleeps... [Bjorn Borg, I am looking at you].

I also like music and funny people.

Pastrami

If deli meats were a summer day, then pastrami would be the ice cream truck. Pastrami is/are (who can tell if the word is plural or not) the most underrated of the deli meats, and perhaps, given the correct implementation, the best. I'm not sure what magical animal this stuff comes from, but whatever it was before it died must have been magnificent... Perhaps an elephant with a shark attached to its back. Or an octopus with monkeys for hands. Whatever it was, it died for us, and I appreciate it. With spicy mustard on the side.

And before you start, turkey is nice but bland. Ham is sweet and meaty, but also sweaty and flat. Salami is too polka-dotty. Bologna has too many additives and pronunciation problems. Capicola is made from baby foreskins. Sopressata is made from capicola. I could go on and on...

Henceforth, until proven otherwise, Pastrami is the king of meats.

Ninja Boots

What's better than killing people before they even know you're there? These super-comfortable, 100% cotton ninja boots, that's what.
I don't know about you, but if I were looking for a sensible shoe that looks good on the town or lounging around the house, I would take it from ninjas and check these out. They're easy to care for (blood washes right out), and who spends more time on their feet than a ninja? Well, clowns maybe... But right after that - ninjas. So you know they're quality.

Throatees

I think this one is self-explanatory.

No? I will elaborate. For those of you not in touch with the latest fashion trends, a "throatee" is essentially a beard that covers only your neck. And yes, it IS as appealing to look at as you might think.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot of good throatee footage out there, so this picture will have to whet your appetite until this trend takes over CNBC and the View (I think Joy Behar would look absolutely fetching if she let hers grow in).

Please - hold your comments and emails. I am partial to all novelty facial hair and grooming procedures (the "rat-tail" was edged out for this post by a nose), but let the throatee have its day in the sun before you flood me with claims of how the chinstrap will reign forever, K-Fed or no K-Fed.

PS. The term throatee was coined by none other than me in high school physics class circa 1997, and the copyright is, um, in progress, so as it becomes a part of your daily vernacular, please keep track of how many times you say it, and just send me a check at the end of each month. Thank you kindly...

Trader Joe's Turkey Meatballs

For $2.99, these are tasty, cheap, not bad for you, and easy to make. There is, inconceivably, almost no downside. These meatballs violate a fundamental law of the universe: conservation of matter and energy. There is always some tradeoff, some energy spent for energy harvested, some matter created by other matter as it is destroyed.

I cannot find the downside to these meatballs, and frankly, I am scared that somewhere a piper is being paid handsomely. There must be another shoe to drop... Right now, people are sitting down to a fast, delicious dinner, and somewhere an innocent woodchuck is being violently sodomized.

Still testing...

Downfall of man. To be continued...

Testing This Out

Breathe it in... History. Right up in your nostrils. Glad you decided to join me. Oh, you like good stuff too? Sweet.