Lt. Vincent Hanna

I feel as though I may have overstated my point the other day... I actually do like Al Pacino as an actor in a fair number of movies, and I hope you didn't mistake my playful ribbing of his method as outright aggression. As such, I want to allow Al to respond here in print - albeit in character, apparently. I believe he chose Lt. Vincent Hanna from the gritty crime drama Heat... Nice choice, right? Without further ado, here is an excerpt from my interview with Al Pacino (FYI, the rest was unintelligible):

Me: Thanks for joining us, Al. I guess I've always wondered-
Al: Don't waste MY MUTHERFU@&ing time!!

Me: Oh. Um... What would you say-
Al: Gimme ALL YOU GOT!! GIMME ALL YOU GOT!

Me: Heat is one of my favorite movies - what was your inspiration for the Vin-
Al: Well I am... over-fu@&in' whelmed. What d'you want for that, a junior g-man badge?

Me: Uh, no. I'm good. But your character, Vincent Hanna - there was a lot of... angst built into him. Where did it come from?
Al: I gotta hold on to my angst. I preserve it because I need it. It keeps me sharp, on the edge, where I gotta be.

Me: Um, definitely. Me too. Totally.       What about behind the scenes? Did Michael Mann, the director, arrange for any real-life homicide detectives to consult with you on the picture?
Al: Us. The L-A-P-D. Po-lice Department... We just got made.

Me: Made what?
Al: [silence]

Me: [contemplating] What about Val Kilmer? How was it working with him? Tom Cruise has been quoted saying Val was-
Al: Cause she's got a great ass... and you got your head all the way up it!

Me: She? Val Kilmer is a man. You know that right?
Al: Ferocious, aren't I? When I think of asses, a woman's ass, something comes out of me.

Me: Ok. But Val Kilmer is definitely a man. I know his name is gender-neutral, and his hair is kind of long in the movie, but still... Definitely a man.     Did something happen between you?
Al: [Singing] By the time I get to Phoenix, we'll be rising. She'll probably leave a note right on the door.

Me: What does that mean? Is Val Kilmer gay? Why are you singing?
Al: Albert, what's wrong with you? You drag me here, waste my time like this.

Me: Who's Albert? Why are you calling me Albert?
Al: Who? Who? What are you, a fu@&ing owl?

Me: That seems a little out of line. Why don't you-
Al: Empathy was yesterday. Today, you're wasting my motherfu@&ing time.

Me: I was just-
Al: This is my operation, I have tactical command that supercedes your rank...

Me: What rank?! I was just saying-
Al: I'm angry. I'm very angry, Ralph. You know, you can ball my wife if she wants you to. You can lounge around here on her sofa, in her ex-husband's dead-tech, post-modernistic bullshit house if you want to. But you do not get to watch my fu@&ing television set!

Me: [scared for life]
Al: You know, we are sitting here, you and I, like a couple of regular fellas. You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do. And now that we've been face to face, if I'm there and I gotta put you away, I won't like it. But I tell you, if it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife you're gonna turn into a widow, brother, you are going down.

Me: [meekly, still very scared] I'm sorry I implied you might be gay partners with Val Kilmer...
 
*****END*****

Blue People

Okay, that's better.

Down to bidness: Excellent movie. Visually amazing. I, for one, am generally not a fan of green screen usage for special effects, instead preferring the old Star Wars model ships and the like - to me, the lighting and depth is never right with the CGI (computer-generated imagery) stuff. Phantom Menace is a perfect example of this, as well as the issue of actors not perceiving their CGI counterparts at the right distance and angle. Even Transformers, which came out just a year and a half ago (July 2007), was fraught with all sorts of CGI issues, with voices not matching their onscreen sources and, quite frankly, too much damn shiny stuff. All told, I am generally skeptical verging on pessimistic with these types of movies.

[I will say that Sin City was a big milestone for me, in that it was the first time I have been lost in a CGI-driven movie and forgotten about the effects. I think striving to make everything, not just the CGI characters and landscape, look cartoonish/animated made all the difference. Although perhaps the technology is finally getting there...]

Blah Blah. Anyway, my point is that Avatar was amazing to watch. The lighting and shading and depth on the CGI characters was, to my eye, as good as it gets. Their interactions with their environment and their human counterparts was amazingly real. And the landscapes were believable. Beautiful and believable. Part of the secret to the success of the landscapes, I suspect, again lies in the effort to reach an unknown standard (i.e. a foreign planet) and not a known one (i.e. a talking yellow Mustang).

That said, apart from its visual appeal, there is actually an enjoyable movie underneath. The plot, albeit not a new concept, was not overtly trite either. All of the actors provided creditable performances apart from Sigourney Weaver, who was a little too cookie-cutter. I really enjoyed Sam Worthington in the lead role as well - not because he was amazing, but because he was a solid and understated and, most importantly, NOT Nick Cage... By that I mean, I am sick of the same faces and same crappy actors. Even great actors carry some of the baggage of their other roles with them: witness anything Al Pacino has done in the last ten years, try not yelling 'Whoo-Hah!' during his monologues, and you'll see what I mean. Every time you recognize an actor in a role, he/she loses a little bit of the believability that makes them great in a performance. This is what drives the great ones to immerse themselves physically in a role, not only to look the part, but to distance themselves from their previous roles (see Raging Bull, Monster, Courage Under Fire, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Last King of Scotland to name a few).

Tangent over. Bottom line: It was a solid, "workmanlike" film made better by an amazing visual display. And for someone like myself, who is as loathe to credit this CGI-explosion culture of Michael Bay and George Lucas as can be, this may be the greatest compliment I can give.

Floating Mountains

Okay, I didn't like these all that much, but it sounded more interesting than "Blue People..."

Actually, on second thought...

Future Leaders of America

If you haven't seen Jersey Shore yet, you are doing a disservice not only to yourself, but to your entire country, nay the future generations of the world. These people are the best and brightest of what can only be described as the Future Leaders of America. They are tan. They are well-coiffed. They are erudite without being pretentious. They sell t-shirts. They talk into a duck phone. They do walk-overs on crowded dance floors in dresses. They have Ravioli Night. They make fun of fat girls. They fist pump. They wear bedazzled shirts with eagles, angel wings or abstract designs. They hit the gym (GTL, baby!).

Okay, maybe they aren't erudite. But I like them. "They do, like, um... great things."

People Who Are Actually Funny

I enjoy funny stuff. And funny people. I'm not a big fan of people who are unfunny. People who are simple-minded and mean whilst being unfunny are REALLY not so great. Contrasted with funny people, these people are a downright pox on society. And funny people who generally seem humble and nice and interesting to be around? Fantastic! Unfunny people who are disingenuous and uninteresting and weak-minded and bullying/front-running with their jokes? SUCKO! BIGTIME CRAPTASTIC!!

As you can imagine, when faced with such a contrast, one feels decidedly more affection for the funny person. Unfortunately, the people of Earth are left with... craptastic. I can only hope the funny people of Earth land on their feet with a modeling gig or fancy hair salon to the stars.

[Brought to you by the Committee to Elect CoCo President]

Brains

BRAINS!!!

Dignity

Such a precious commodity. And the kind you don't miss until it's gone. Everything's going fine and then- WHAM! Christmas sweater!

And the damage is done... What can you do afterward... except maybe piss on the carpet? Yeah, that'll do. [This works in just about any dignity robbing situation, by the way - trust me on this.]

Hard News Coverage

You know what reaffirms my faith in humanity: the fact that all of the networks, news outlets, magazines, radio stations and blogs have steered clear of the tawdry, sensational story of Tiger Woods and his mistresses. You may not have heard, because it kind of flew under the radar, but he's apparently been caught cheating on his wife.
I, for one, am glad this story didn't get the kind of attention you might think, not because I empathize with Tiger (because I don't), and not because I don't find these types of stories juicy (because I do), but because I am sure that the problems that face America, nay the world, are far bigger and merit far more attention than some golfer 'sinking some putts' on... not his wife (the metaphor kind of fell apart on me).
It's almost like the media (or whoever owns them) would want to distract us from 30,000 troops going to Afghanistan or the debates in Congress over healthcare... I'm surprised they resisted the temptation, but I guess you can't give them too much credit - it's not like we (America and the world) as an audience would fall for those tricks anyway...
Anyway, I would love to preach more, and woo you with further sarcasm, but I have to go - CNN just reported Tiger had relations with a baby walrus while he was at the zoo. Details?!?

Outliers

This is the first book I have read of Malcolm Gladwell's, but I found it very interesting and an enjoyable read. Apart from the part where he writes about plane crashes. Because I happened to be on a plane at the time. When I got to that part. So it was a little unnerving. But otherwise very good. A tip: enjoy it on the ground.

The Rhythm of the Night

The best thing about DeBarge is that they are still relevant today. You can hear echoes of their sound in U2 and Michael Buble, and their look is definitely holding on thanks to Tyra Banks and Borat (including the pencil-thin mustaches). This song completes me.

Andrew W.K.

This guy is bat-$hit crazy, but it's definitely working for him. I am one of the few connoisseurs out there who truly appreciate the musical theory and composition of his songs "Party Hard" or "She Is Beautiful," and yet enjoy the brainless lyrics and their "constipated old man" delivery.

If you are not familiar with his work, check out "Party Hard" or "She Is Beautiful," not because they're his best work, but because those are the only ones I know. Watch the videos. Then watch this:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120758328&ps=bb1

If you can make it past the first 12.5 minutes of unaccompanied piano improv (which is pretty good and yet mind-numbing enough that I skipped through parts of it), you will be rewarded with a spectacularly Johnny-Cash-esque version of "I Get Wet" (it's like you think), and then a pretty guttural, riveting cover of "The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress." All told, this guy is a study in contrasts, and my favorite musician with two initials for a last name.

Brakes

I can't recommend these things enough. They're definitely catching on, but maybe you don't have some yet. Go get them now - you'll thank me. Or just keep smashing into stuff... Either way.

Ari Hest

Ari Hest is a singer-songwriter from... well, I don't know where he's from. But I like his music. And that's what counts.

His voice is probably his calling card, with a gravely baritone that rivals Bruce Springsteen, and perhaps even does him one better on a cover of I'm On Fire. More than his voice though, he writes excellent music. He transitions from playing with and without a band seamlessly, and his songs always sound different from each other (no small feat for an emerging artist).

One of his first releases, an uptempo They're Onto Me, is still one of my favorites, but he has since released When And If, a moving ballad about a soldier away from home, and Ride the Brake, a trip across America in song. So Slow is also one of my favorites, although I could not tell you what the lyrics mean (though they certainly sound like they have some meaning)... I don't know how this guy has escaped a national spotlight thus far, and it is with a heavy heart that I shine my own on him now, as we both know the kind of influence I have across the country. But as much as I would like to keep his music all to myself, I believe sharing is a mitzvah. Enjoy...

http://www.arihest.com/home/home.html

Planet Money

Planet Money is both a blog, a radio segment, and a podcast on National Public Radio (and its associated website/media). They aim to take incredibly complex things like Collateralized Debt Obligations and health insurance legislation and try to explain and present them in a fair, balanced and easy-to-understand fashion.

I highly recommend giving them a listen/read. When you consider that every piece of information you receive has a heavy bias attached to it, these people do their best to minimize that leverage, and cut the strings on what they provide. It is content that is refreshing, informative, and perspective-changing.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/

Introspection

Sometime, I just like to stop and ponder my existence. I wonder about history and the world and where I fit in... The universe is really big.

Ripping the Eyes Out of Heads and Pissing in Dead Sculls

Truly a gem of a line, in a movie filled with sparkling lines (A Few Good Men). As a general rule, I would not recommend f*cking with the wrong Marine, as this is the sort of thing that goes hand in hand with that sort of thing. Just an FYI. Good day. 

Attractive People

I know what you're thinking... Attractive people are a pox on society. Attractive people need to be spayed/neutered in order to control the population. Attractive people are the reason we have high taxes and poor health care across the nation. And to some extent, I agree with you.

But attractive people can also be used to drive a bus or pick up your trash. They tend to be flexible, so they make good chimney sweeps and prostitutes. They are excellent at getting out stains (you just have to rub them on the garment fairly hard) or holding up artwork.

I think American society's main problem with attractive people is just that they're not used properly. We tend to rely on them for philosophical advice, international outreach, baby adoption services, and sometimes state governance. I think we just need to apply them better, and everyone would be better off. So next time some attractive person walks through a door you hold for them, and rather than say thank you, they act like it is your job, just trip them and use them to get the stains out of rug! See? Win-win for everybody!

Pumpkin Beer

Psst. I'll let you in on a little secret: Pocahontas was an alcoholic. She met John Smith out at a bar in Plymouth, and he took her home. This was no great feat, however, because as usual, she was banged up on Pumpkin Beer. Three weeks later, when her period came - that was the first Thanksgiving.

But who could blame her? (about the beer, not about John Smith - he looked like a hockey puck with legs) Pumpkin beer is delicious! If it were socially acceptable, I would drink it during sporting events like Gatorade. I would dip bread in it to make Better-Than-French Toast (or French-Canadian Toast, as it is more commonly known). I would make it into frozen cubes to put in all my other beverages... except for milk. That would be crossing the line.

But anyway, it's good. Surprising so, for those of us who generally avoid beers infused with fruit, vegetable, and/or meat. If I were you, I would drink it. And if I were you and you were underage, I would stick a straw into a pumpkin, suck hard, and pretend as if whatever came through the straw also made you happy and fun.

Walter Sobchak

Never has a converted Jew, Vietnam-vet bowler captured America's imagination like Walter Sobchak. Co-star of the 1998 Coen brothers film The Big Lebowski, Walter (John Goodman) taught us so much. He taught us:
1) Never f*ck a stranger in the @$$.
2) You can pretty much get a toe anywhere at any time.
3) You cannot roll on Shabbat.
4) You cannot stand for unchecked aggression.
5) "China man" is not the preferred nomenclature for a man from China (or any Asian man for that matter).
6) If you f*ck a stranger in the @$$, bad things happen.

Where have you gone, Walter Sobchak? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

*Brought to you by the Committee for Walter Sobchak for President. 

Spanx

How could you not be a fan of false advertising? How can you not get behind moist heat and those marks you get from elastic materials when it's too tight and you wear it too long? What's not to love about mashed vag and lycra?

I for one am a big fan of these things. Sure, men feel cheated and as if they're dating a senior citizen, with all of the associated undergarments, but so what! Now every woman can wear silk! Yippee!